September 30, 2016
Throughout my healing journey, I tackled obstacles with the knowledge that I would someday feel like myself again. Each glimpse of the real me, unburdened by the oppressive nature of unknown illness and later arduous detoxification, compelled me to manifest the reality I so greatly desired to just exist without forethought. I knew this reality would come naturally if I kept pushing for it; however, the self-destructive thought processes I worked so hard to subjugate often meandered their way back into my mind, usually when a low period followed a high, at which time I would muse:
I will never heal.
Life will never be the same again.
I try so hard yet I continue to get beat down.
And my favorite, a line those close to me know all too well:
I can’t do this anymore.
In order to make optimism habitual, I had to first correct years and years of I can’t. The realization of my strength in part eradicated this logic, however it could not entirely transform my tendency to ruminate, for fear also, and often dually, grounded my lower self. The threat of eternal suffering in particular held me back, which circumstances did little to pacify. When my head began to clear in June, along with a marked resurgence in energy levels, I thought I had neared freedom; despite some remaining digestive issues- and a seriously compromised identity, which I failed to recognize as such at the time- my doubts began to dissipate as I finally put faith in healing. When amplified renditions of former symptoms returned, however, along with an onslaught of new afflictions far more oppressive in nature than those of months prior, my thoughts darkened once again, and I felt myself plummeting into a deeper hole of diffidence.
I had tackled the wearisome mentalities of cleansing- the depression, the oddball idiosyncrasies, and much of The Ego they exacerbated- in earlier facets of my struggle, but had yet to experience such an oppressive physical state I simply could not escape; the corporeal utterly imprisoned me along with its corresponding mental vexations. While I had relinquished my need for control over the extraneous, I hoped to at least feel comfortable enough to merely exist… a silver lining would do wonders to quell my doubts, but alas, such security cannot always be found. Gratitude had always lifted me during my lows, and certainly allowed me to overcome my frustrations as I appreciated the fulfillment of my basic needs; I lost sight of this appreciation before I began healing with homeopathy, however, as I detached myself from the significance of life. Physical torment exhausted me on all planes: I resented constantly grasping at my identity, fighting depression, fighting malaise, fighting the brain fog and anxiety that thwarted any sense, or remembrance, of normalcy; I just wanted to feel like myself, uninhibited by sickness with the capacity to live I envied others for. But I also knew I suffered for a purpose, and to deny this purpose would be to deny my spirituality, the driving force behind my identity, even as it often alluded me. I thus began to inquire:
Am I really going to deny the opportunity I have been given to grow?
Am I really going to give up after everything I’ve worked for, The Ego I’ve triumphed, the foundations I’ve constructed on which to conduct the rest of my life? Fear now guided me, and only guided me, for I knew I could conquer any mental complaint that required pure cognizance to overcome; I had visited and tackled my grievances over and over, but none had been so great or so inescapable as the battle I undertook before seeking the advice of a homeopath. I feared the weight of my fears- their sheer presence- because I could not avoid facing them head on no matter how much I wanted to. Physical oppression forced me to accept my strife, to pull myself out lest I drown, and furthermore to trust what the greater realm had in store for me. I may have possessed faith in the existence of the other-worldly, but not what its principles meant to me in my immediate environment, that which I could see, touch, and experience via my tangible, disordered body. As such, I challenged myself to expand on my spirituality in order to cope, which had historically embraced a more philosophical tone; I now sought more than just abstract logic, reasoning:
Will I negate the spirituality I hold so dear, giving up merely because I just can’t “handle” the cards I have been dealt?
Given that I’d eventually have to be able to “handle it” in order to ascertain the truths that fulfill my path to my highest self, I knew I either had to buck up and ride out my torment with the knowledge that it will get better, or wallow in the self-destruction that threatened to consume me. I had to trust that I had not been left defenseless, that I was meant to take this path, that I was loved enough to be given an out somehow. Relinquishing my yearn to know how and when in part freed me of the control I sought so vehemently; the concession that there is always a silver lining, whether in this lifetime or the realm that follows it, grounded me more than my current body, or psyche, could immediately offer. Faith guides security, not foresight.
If you find yourself struggling, whether due to physical affliction or trying life circumstances, consider that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Adopting this mentality can prove incredibly daunting when burdensome circumstances leave you feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and utterly defeated, but that’s the beauty in life you must learn to manifest as such no matter what sufferings blinds you… You can put in your two cents all you want, but the insight gained through peril and the subsequent, unpremeditated measures you take to pick yourself back up may still override your influence; you must, then, be complacent with your path.
I have seen so much darkness within myself throughout this journey, exploring depths of my consciousness I would not have otherwise confronted. It saddens me to reflect on how negligible I regarded life during my lowest moments, but I now recognize its worth more than I ever have, if only because I am so driven by the knowledge that we have been taken care of, that some realm beyond has provided us with the means to heal… grasping onto the has light replenished me, filled me, and blessed me with the understanding that I am here for a reason: to help people, and most certainly, to flourish myself.
When a battle becomes so heavy that you begin to question the necessity in life, know that it is not trivial. It is the vehicle through which we acquire the spiritual intelligence to actualize the reality we seek so ferociously, that which already lies within but we have yet to realize; if you long for meaning, that notion should at least provide you with the value your life presently appears to lack. Hold onto your faith and hold onto the light. It is so, so beautiful, and surely worth waiting for.