On Being “Lost”

I feel like I’ve used this phrase so much on this website that even I forget how the mentalities it invoked completely transformed me last year.

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I’ve also written a lot about my “brain fog” throughout 2015, the most significant ramifications of which revolved around my inability to remember who I was, how I had previously gone about life, and what future I envisioned for myself when I didn’t even understand what the hell was going on with me in the present.

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A subversive veil over my emotions in part instigated my absence and lack of memory; it wasn’t until my homeopathic treatment that I would remember the core of who I am, who I had always been, what it felt like to be me. I always had a tendency to interpret the underlying currents of my emotions through a lens of detachment, and the cerebral side of my judgment won out in 2015. I unintentionally and unknowingly stifled my feelings, experiencing life through the necessary and unnecessary, the pros and the cons, the valuable long-term and inappropriately-worthy for only now; as a result, I ceased to live. I put myself in a little box, yearning to feel the warmth of the outside yet intentionally allowing the cold within to stifle my desires, my needs. I now realize these desires weren’t merely superfluous; I needed people, I needed love, I needed connection, yet I remained tied to a self-imposed barrier I could not fathom the origin of.

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I remember so many times when my friends would tell me to come out, and I’d want to, and then battle some elusive inner war that kept me from living in the now like I had always done. The funny thing is, while sickness exacerbates qualities that already exist, I was actually quite spontaneous as a teenager. I did what I wanted and what I wanted was to relish in the experiences that would make life worthwhile. I also had a decent sense of responsibility; this quality overrode every other one of mine while ill- but it wasn’t responsibility that directly motivated me; the overwhelming need for security and control instead dominated my actions. My absentmindedness (i.e. my lost mind) made me feel so out of control that I regulated every other area of my life to gain control. Coupled with the fact that I no longer felt and could not remember a time that I did, I examined my reality through a lens of dispassion. This often manifested as restriction; while I did not restrict how much I ate (I completely lost my appetite… and appetite for life), I restricted what I ate. Even when I was severely underweight and saw it, I would not eat processed foods, I would not eat sugar, I would not eat oils. Despite this limiting behavior, I wanted to gain weight, especially in the later stages of the disease process; somewhere deep inside I knew how messed up my mentality was, how unsustainable it was long-term (would I live my whole life in a quietly-controlled box?), yet I did nothing to change it. I now know why: I liked the control that I had always felt like I lacked, and I saw no other out. No one could guide me in the right direction; doctors, family, friends- no one had any answers. I was “diagnosed” on multiple occasions with hypoglycemia (which I now know is the biggest load of bullshit. Hypoglycemia arises out of deeper illness; stress leads to an inability to properly regulate blood sugar). If someone had helped me, instead of quietly attributing my weight to an eating disorder, I may have not suffered so much. But I also wouldn’t be writing what I’m writing today with the goal to heal people, albeit as a bit of amatuer for the time being. I have transgressed so many boundaries I had previously set for myself, metamorphosed a great deal of negativity into positive realities with the power of my mind, and gained more spiritual wisdom than I ever would have had I not gone through such a mindfuck of an experience… so life goes I suppose!!

emotional upheaval

Maybe I’m highly-reflective- “in-tune” with my perceptions of my mental state- but once I knew that another part of me existed, a part that had somehow evaded me so expressively for so long, I would not be complacent with life until I knew

arsenicum used to treat obsessive which honestly im embarrassed about but im not shameful

and then december happened. and i knew i was never going back if it meant not living

 

and so i pushed and i pushed and i burned out

now that ive found me im an even better version

like being young again but better because i can fully appreciate the light from the darkness

feel like similar  to effects of drugs